It's Day 11 of my new diet. In 11 days I have lost three pounds. A slow start, but with reason. I began this diet and spent a lot of time in the bathroom. It was most definitely a change in taste as I never eat plain oatmeal or broccoli and I never drink this much water. I was feeling resentful of having to eat this way when we went to a Father's Day cook out. At the time my total loss in three days was three pounds. I had forgotten my meals and ended up caving into temptation. I thought "what's one day of good food? I'll just lose whatever I gain back." Well in one day of eating ribs and potato chips and sausage and potatoes I gained back all three pounds. I thought, "ok, a start over."
I went back to the diet starting that Monday and by Tuesday and Wednesday I was begging for a chocolate cake. In an effort to please me while in the "dog house" my husband actually bought a chocolate cake with chocolate frosting. This actually had the opposite effect he was hoping for and got him further into the "dog house." I had to realize I was talking to a man and when he heard I wanted a cake and knew I was mad about something else, well the man provided what I said I wanted. I told him I will probably say I want a lot of things while on this diet, but do not give them to me! Since the cake was in the house and chocolate is my number one all time weakness, I caved. Since I was caving anyway I also indulged in a chicken sausage, hot dog bun, mustard, Parmesan pasta and juice. Back to my starting point YET AGAIN.
The next day I couldn't go back to my diet because I came down with the flu. I barely ate the next two days. When I was feeling better and wanted to eat, that chocolate cake was staring me down. My husband was enjoying a piece and just the thought of sweet heavenly chocolate goodness drove me nuts. I was literally getting silverware out and about to grab a piece when I saw my reflection in the window. I put the silverware back and I looked at myself and thought, "I don't want to be fat anymore."
And so I feel my journey now truly begins. Kind of like smoking, dieting is something you have to be mentally ready for. I spent some time the next day thinking about how bad I really want to lose this weight. If I don't start saying, "no" when I'm tempted then I will never lose this weight and I will forever be the fat girl. My main motivation behind starting this diet is to look good in the two weddings I'm standing in next year. I am determined not to be that fat girl stuffed in a dress next to a bunch of beautiful thin and fit women. I want to feel as beautiful outside as I do inside.
I am going to be continuously tempted and so I have come to the mental understanding that I need to stop being so emotionally attached to food. My problem is that I attach happy emotions with eating something "good." What I am focusing on now is thinking of food as fuel. I need to put clean, wholesome fuel into my body in order to shape into what I want. The mental change is incredibly difficult. I now need to look at that chocolate cake with chocolate fudge frosting (yes, it's still sitting in my kitchen) as toxic waste instead of the answer to bringing me happiness. A few seconds of "good" taste is not worth my health or my life.
Losing weight for me is not just about wanting to look good. I have two little girls who need their mother around. Technically speaking right now I am "morbidly obese" according to my doctor's chart. I think we all know the multiple risks that puts me in, especially since diabetes runs extremely high in my family.
It's time to be happy because I am happy with life and myself, not because I'm shoving something fat and greasy into my face.
Current weight: 219. Below 220 for the first time in a year and a half.
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